Birthday Jokes

Birthdays are nature's way of telling us to eat more cake.
--Edward Morykwas

Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

A true friend remembers your birthday but not your age.

Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said I needed an upgrade.

The old lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 110th birthday.  "What do you think is the reason for your long life?" they asked her.  "Oh," she replied, "I suppose it's because I was born such a long time ago."

I'll never make the mistake of being 70 again.
--Casey Stengel

Q:  What do you always get on your birthday?
A:  Another year older!

Q:  What did the elephant wish for on his birthday?
A:  A trunk full of gifts!

Q:  What do you give a 900-pound gorilla for his birthday?
A:  I don't know, but you'd better hope he likes it!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby birthday.

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
--Stephen Wright

Start every day with a smile and get it over with.
--W.C. Fields

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake...
You still chase women, but only downhill.
--Bob Hope

Age is a question of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
--Satchel Paige

There's a silver lining to being a cancer survivor.
People said to me, "Are you freaked out that you're turning 50?"
Hell, no.  I'm thrilled to be turning 50.
--Fran Drescher

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."

Don't worry about temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.

"Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
"Next time don't eat the candles."

Rock stars used to say, "Don't trust anyone over 30!"
Now that many are over 50 they say, "Oops, we didn't mean us."

If there are 23 people in a room, there's a 50% chance that two of them will share a birthday.  It's been proven mathematically.

A Story from Soupy Sales:
 
It's a hot day--there's a traveling salesman passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house.  So he stops and says to the little old man, "You look as if you don't have a care in the world!  What's your formula for a long and happy life?"
 
And the little old man says, "Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week.  I never wash and I go out every night; I don't get to bed until four in the morning."
 
And the guy says, "Wow, that's just great.  How old are you?"
 
And the little man says, "Twenty-two."

Blowing out candles is good exercise for the lungs.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Where would you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

What is the left side of a birthday cake?
The side that's not eaten.

You know you're getting older when...
it takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

Think about this:
 
Real birthdays are not annual affairs.
Real birthdays are the days when we have a new birth.
--Ralph Parlette

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Time and tide wait for no sandcastle,
no matter how well it's built.

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts.
--William Shakespeare

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.

Nice to be here?  At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
--George Burns

What does every birthday end with?
Y!

Happy birthday to you...and many more!